The Battle with IVF

I need to take a brief hiatus on my latest topic to talk about something that is bothering me.  At what point is enough enough.  I had to have this conversation with my husband last night in preparation of our IVF treatment that we can not 100% guarantee will work.

Growing up I thought I would always have children, my husband did too.  We never would have thought that at 36 years old we would need science to make this happen.

I also never would have suspected that my little brother would have been married and have a child well before me.  I am truly happy for him and his wife but I would be lying if I said it didn't bug the crap out of me that everything just happened so easy for them.  People take that for granted even when they don't intend to.  They say things like 'I was always told it would be difficult for me to conceive', or 'It took us a while' (after only a few months), or 'I know how you feel'.  All while they are pregnant or holding their new babies.

I say with a smile to all who ask that 'yes' we are trying IVF, when most people don't understand that the meaning is 'we aren't able to do this on our own' and 'we are willing to pay $26,000 for a child'.  And the biggest piece we both hold back is 'NO THERE IS NO GUARANTEE.'  And we have to be ok with that and be able to be strong and keep going.  'Just put it in Gods hands', they say, GUESS WHAT WE HAVE AND SO FAR THAT HASN'T WORKED!

I'm staying optimistic although it doesn't sound like it.  It just breaks my heart to possibly have to put baby names aside and reassure my husband that we will have a great life together even if we never have kids and despite our dreams.

I just wish the other half knew what it was like to be us.  To struggle for something we truly want but may not be fortunate enough to ever have.  To not take for granted the fact that it was easier for them than they thought.  Maybe I sound bitter, it's probably because I am.  I don't get it why some get selected and others don't.  It is the hardest thing to hold your head high and say who cares if I don't get blessed with a child, it wasn't in GOD'S PLAN.

At the end of the day if we can't conceive I love my husband and look forward to our life together but it would be foolish to say this was what we wanted.  We will have to revise our life's dreams to not include children and it will always be difficult for us to want to be around others who do as they are a constant reminder to what we weren't able to do on our own.  Maybe this is petty, but maybe, just maybe this is how a majority of us feel who are in this position.  We just put on a happy face to visit other's kids and newborns while inside we weep for what we cannot have.

I was always told the 'Life's not fair' and that's right, sometimes it gives you a big middle finger and you have to roll with it.

One Week Over and no News . .

The weekend after the fundraisers was a low point for me and by the end it was apparent I needed to pull myself out of my misery.  I found I was consuming too much alcohol and not enough food and still my only hope lie in my phone, texts and Facebook.  My phone was dying every 2-4 hours and I was constantly sitting near a charger.

This reeked havoc on my first year of marriage.  My husband was seeing a side of me that most will never see or at least not see in the first years of a relationship.  I missed appointments and carried a Kleenex box with me everywhere I went.  By Sunday I knew things needed to change but it was so difficult.  After a heated discussion with my husband in which he was right I was finally able to clean the house and turn off my phone for several hours.  I canceled all plans with friends and tried to refocus.  I wish I could say I did but I made baby steps.

Sleep patterns remained the same as did eating or lack their of.  I was able to focus a little more at work and detach for more hours at a time from my phone although I still checked and reposted frequently.  The fundraisers had raised over $16,000 and the search continued but there was nothing more I could do from Colorado.  I was angry with the media coverage as it was sloppy and poor.  My hands were tied, I couldn't correct stories or do anything as it was not my place and it was frustrating.

I spent time talking to my counselors and trying to make sense of this.  There were sightings in Houston, Georgia and Austin.  I spoke with friends who have government connections to the CIA and friends in Austin law enforcement.  All the while I still felt deep down she was already gone.

My husband and I kicked around other ideas as well.  Was she abducted by someone? She was so distraught it would have been easy for her not to be paying attention.  Was she now part of a sex ring in Mexico, she was pretty enough and small enough.  Those were unbearable thoughts and I just kept coming back to the fact that she made it through 58 countries a lot of which were third world and survived that.  And she probably honed her skills for paying attention to her surroundings NO MATTER WHAT!  I just didn't buy these possible scenarios.

By this point weeks were starting to go by and I lost track of everything.  My work suffered, my association board positions suffered and even some of my friendships suffered as I continued to cling to those friends that were closest to myself and her or those I knew could talk me out of my deepest anger and sorrow.  I didn't spend as much time with my husband and family as I should have and when I was around my brain was always somewhere else.  

I even stopped watching my favorite TV shows like Criminal Minds (too real and possible and too close to home), Vampire anything (too violent), and Parenthood (too sad, I really was surprised each day that I had more tears to cry but miraculously I always did).  I didn't listen to music which is one of my favorite things to do.  Songs were too hard to hear.  Everything reminded me of her.  Probably the hardest was that she decorated my house after my divorce and most of it is still in place, my husband innocently suggested we make some changes and I think I lost my mind.  There was NO WAY I could move anything or take anything down.  I was a crazy person hanging on by a thread of sanity.

In acts of solidarity we all changed our Facebook profile pictures to pictures with her and our cover pics for her.  Eventually we all ended up with the picture of her making the heart with her hand and I still can't change it to this day.

This act continued to link us friends and family alike to her.  I was forever hopeful but reaching a point where I just wanted answers.  I was sick and tired of the not knowing.  My diet was suffering and I lost an additional seven pounds in these weeks.  And then as I was starting to do more for myself and figuring we might never know, the other shoe dropped like a bomb in Iraq.  I thought by this time I was ready for anything but clearly I was not.

The Nightmare Begins

January 19th was a day that I will always remember.  Its just a few days from the date my aunt committed suicide and that I lost a good friend to brain cancer.  It also happens to be the date that the Broncos played the Patriots in a playoff game just like they had during the other two occasions.  It was surreal that on this date when I thought Leanne would be found she wasn't.


This started a long day and ultimately long month of my addiction to Facebook and my phone.  We were all wildly reposting the missing persons flyer and I was making and receiving numerous phone calls and text messages.  The game was so far in the background that day it was hard for me to even focus on it at all while I clutched my phone in panic.  My phone became my lifeline in an extremely unhealthy way.


By the end of the day when I had caught up with most of my friends and I think the Broncos won their playoff game I had a decision to make.  I was sitting on information that I had spoken with Leanne and she had told me in so many words she was planning to commit suicide.  It was time for me to call the Garden Ridge Police Department to see if anything she and I had talked about might help.


After leaving a message my call was returned by the detective on the case.  There had been manhunts under way for two days at this point and they were collecting all the details they could get their hands on.  I provided a synopsis of what Leanne and I discussed and the only question they kept coming back to me with was did I provide her money to leave Texas.  They obviously weren't hearing me as I told them she was suicidal and that she had plenty of money to leave on her own, more money than I had that's for sure.  But what was tripping them up is she had been missing for two and a half days and not used any of her credit cards.  She was thought to have $60 in cash but that is not a lot if someone is trying to hideout in a motel.


The police wanted to know how she had gotten a hold of me and I told them the landline to her husband's parents house which is still written on a piece of masking tape stuck to my iPad.  I don't have the heart to remove it.  I knew it was their number as I called it Saturday night in a desperate attempt to find out what was going on since I was not hearing back from her husband or friend on Facebook.


I felt better for having told the police what I knew but my hope was dwindling.  I just didn't understand how she could be missing when I was sure she was dead.  How could they not find her?  These questions started haunting my dreams and I went from my average 9-10 hours of sleep a night to four at the most.  The terror had taken hold and the week ahead of me at work was going to be unbearable. 


I clung to my phone and my friends from Great-West to keep me from drowning.  I made sure when I traveled to Florida for a team meeting my boss was aware of the nightmare I was living in hopes he would take it easy on me which didn't entirely work.  And I found that each day this went on I was slowly sinking into my sadness and anger and beginning to question what really did happen to my friend.



By Friday, fundraisers had been put together to raise money for the search.  Helicopters were being utilized along with an organization specializing in searches and a private detective.  The organized effort on foot was incredible and the outpouring of people seemed amazing from where I watched on Facebook and the news.  She got national attention.


My husband the artist donated a painting to the silent auction on Friday night and although none of us really felt like being out at a bar as if we were betraying our friend, we all went to raise money.  The night was full of comments such as "I just can't believe it," " I was just emailing/texting with her in the last couple of weeks," and "Do you really think she is hiding somewhere?"  It became clear that I was one of the only people to actually receive a phone call and speak to her which was equally comforting and disturbing to me.


I saw our friends rally that weekend and if there was anything positive to have come out of this week it was that we were now closer than ever.  All differences were put aside and friendships started turning into family bonds that are now too strong to ever break.  That week and weekend changed me in a lot of ways and ultimately was where I needed to begin to dig out for my own life.

2014 Started off with a Bang (and not in a good way)

It seems like a few times every year I get a wild hair to start writing my blog again.  This time I truly believe it would be therapeutic for me to do so and I am accepting that challenge.  In the past I have primarily blogged on inane subjects of gardening, cooking and reading.  I had a great wish to impart my wisdom and craziness from my divorce a few years later but got caught up in going out and redefining who I was at 33 years old.  By my second marriage to a wonderful man I was again ready to share my bliss and only the good parts of my life to the small world that reads this blog, but today that has changed.  I think it's time to finally tell the real story of life as I've been living it, the good, the bad and the ugly.  My goal is to keep up with posts and let readers know me not just for the happy moments but also the difficult ones.


This year started off with a tragedy that I am still working really hard to wrap my head around.  One of my best friends from the last decade came back from traveling the world for 22 months and lost her battle with depression.  Her blog is on the right if you want to see all of the wonderful things she and her husband did and saw.  It was an incredible journey but one with a very sad ending.  She was concerned about finding a job, getting insurance medical and vehicle, taxes, and a myriad of other things most of us do on a daily basis without giving thought to it as they just need to be done. 


I spoke with her January 13 as I was the one who brought her with me to our last job and we had spent almost all of our working career together at the same company and I was here to help with anything she needed.  I missed her initial call and the voicemail from her is still on my phone today and I can't lie I probably listen to it close to 10 times per week or more depending on my mood.  It was a troubling voicemail and although I was one of the few that knew about her past battles with depression I was terrified by the call.  I called her back within 20 minutes thinking I might have already been too late or she might not have the nerve or desire to talk to me. 


You see I have a brother who suffered from depression so I know how windows of time can be and that their concept of time or the fact that you just weren't there when they needed you can have a tremendous impact and cause them to shut you out.  Especially for someone like me, for those of you who know me I am an incredibly direct person to a fault making me less than ideal if you really just need someone to tell you everything is ok.  Don't get me wrong I am also one of the most caring people in the world and I will move mountains if I can for those I care about and I am loyal to a fault.


During the phone call I began to realize that Leanne was calling to say goodbye to me.  As much as I tried to help and even got her to laugh it became more and more clear that she had already made up her mind to leave this world and I was special enough to her to get a goodbye.  In the last few minutes of the conversation I asked her in the only way I could if "she was going to peace out on me" and she himmed and hahhhed around the question so I said, "let me rephrase, if you are going to kill yourself would you tell me?"  Her immediate response was, "No."  I knew then that that was the last time I would talk to my dear friend and although I hoped I was wrong, deep down I knew I wasn't.


Four days later she went missing and I found out from a friend on day five by a phone call asking me "is what is on Facebook about Leanne true?"  My response, "I don't know, what's on Facebook?"  I really don't or didn't do a lot with Facebook so I was rarely in the 'know' on new issues.  She told me Leanne was missing and I broke down in tears and said "she's dead." 


That night she visited me in my dreams and we had a wonderful time.  We were working together again and were about to fly from Houston to Atlanta which was somewhat weird being that she went missing in Garden Ridge, TX and is from Georgia.  I woke up feeling a little more at peace, not only had she said goodbye on the phone but she had said goodbye in my dream and I was sure they would find her.  I told my husband she would be found not realizing how wrong I was.  It was that day I started living a lifetime movie and became a shell of my former self.

A Fresh Start!

This year has provided me with a fresh start and outlook on life.  I have met a wonderful man whom I am now engaged to and I'm excited for our future together.  Jake Beauchamp proposed to me while we were on vacation in Washington D.C. at the Nation Gallery in front of my favorite painting Picasso's Nude Woman.  I'm looking forward to our future and sharing it with those of you who are still following my blog.

 

Divorce and My 2011

So a good friend told me I should blog about my divorce and this crazy year of my life post divorce while we were on an airplane back from Washington D.C. going through the SkyMall catalogue deciding all the things I could now afford by getting rid of my husband, so here goes. I've already made public that I filed for divorce on January 24, 2011 and my divorce was final on April 25, 2011. The best part of that for those who don't follow the Royals or dates, this was the week of the Royal wedding. Every fricking news cast that week was on weddings which was AWESOME the week you get divorced.

A couple of words on that, when you file you really find out who your friends are. Some people are supportive, some suck and others just disappear. Some of your married friends seem to think it's contagious so they bolt altogether. You also have random people enter your life. But what no one tells you is the day the papers are final, no one's there. It's not like a wedding where you build up to this awesome party, it's the most anti-climatic thing that has ever happened in my life and considering what a big deal it was it was weird.

And for those of you who haven't been through a divorce there is more paperwork then filing taxes with a husband who has a 1099 job. So while you'd like to kill the other person you actually have to talk to them more then you have probably done in years, which was my case. We were married for almost 9 years and together for almost 11 years and really stopped speaking or doing anything together for at least the last 4 years of our marriage. The other down fall was I wanted kids and he didn't. I thought at 22 I could change his mind, yeah that doesn't really work.

So I'm going to start posting my 2011 adventures. It's been one of the weirdest years of my life and although I feel a little vulnerable doing this on the web I know if any of you asked me individually I'd tell you the whole story so fuck it here goes!! Happy 2011!!

Finale

So, I'm divorced as of today. There is lightning and thunder outside which is my favorite. I enter this with mixed emotion. It's a new beginning but also an end of an era. I don't know how to feel, I want to feel happy but I'm sad 11 years are gone.