2014 Started off with a Bang (and not in a good way)

It seems like a few times every year I get a wild hair to start writing my blog again.  This time I truly believe it would be therapeutic for me to do so and I am accepting that challenge.  In the past I have primarily blogged on inane subjects of gardening, cooking and reading.  I had a great wish to impart my wisdom and craziness from my divorce a few years later but got caught up in going out and redefining who I was at 33 years old.  By my second marriage to a wonderful man I was again ready to share my bliss and only the good parts of my life to the small world that reads this blog, but today that has changed.  I think it's time to finally tell the real story of life as I've been living it, the good, the bad and the ugly.  My goal is to keep up with posts and let readers know me not just for the happy moments but also the difficult ones.


This year started off with a tragedy that I am still working really hard to wrap my head around.  One of my best friends from the last decade came back from traveling the world for 22 months and lost her battle with depression.  Her blog is on the right if you want to see all of the wonderful things she and her husband did and saw.  It was an incredible journey but one with a very sad ending.  She was concerned about finding a job, getting insurance medical and vehicle, taxes, and a myriad of other things most of us do on a daily basis without giving thought to it as they just need to be done. 


I spoke with her January 13 as I was the one who brought her with me to our last job and we had spent almost all of our working career together at the same company and I was here to help with anything she needed.  I missed her initial call and the voicemail from her is still on my phone today and I can't lie I probably listen to it close to 10 times per week or more depending on my mood.  It was a troubling voicemail and although I was one of the few that knew about her past battles with depression I was terrified by the call.  I called her back within 20 minutes thinking I might have already been too late or she might not have the nerve or desire to talk to me. 


You see I have a brother who suffered from depression so I know how windows of time can be and that their concept of time or the fact that you just weren't there when they needed you can have a tremendous impact and cause them to shut you out.  Especially for someone like me, for those of you who know me I am an incredibly direct person to a fault making me less than ideal if you really just need someone to tell you everything is ok.  Don't get me wrong I am also one of the most caring people in the world and I will move mountains if I can for those I care about and I am loyal to a fault.


During the phone call I began to realize that Leanne was calling to say goodbye to me.  As much as I tried to help and even got her to laugh it became more and more clear that she had already made up her mind to leave this world and I was special enough to her to get a goodbye.  In the last few minutes of the conversation I asked her in the only way I could if "she was going to peace out on me" and she himmed and hahhhed around the question so I said, "let me rephrase, if you are going to kill yourself would you tell me?"  Her immediate response was, "No."  I knew then that that was the last time I would talk to my dear friend and although I hoped I was wrong, deep down I knew I wasn't.


Four days later she went missing and I found out from a friend on day five by a phone call asking me "is what is on Facebook about Leanne true?"  My response, "I don't know, what's on Facebook?"  I really don't or didn't do a lot with Facebook so I was rarely in the 'know' on new issues.  She told me Leanne was missing and I broke down in tears and said "she's dead." 


That night she visited me in my dreams and we had a wonderful time.  We were working together again and were about to fly from Houston to Atlanta which was somewhat weird being that she went missing in Garden Ridge, TX and is from Georgia.  I woke up feeling a little more at peace, not only had she said goodbye on the phone but she had said goodbye in my dream and I was sure they would find her.  I told my husband she would be found not realizing how wrong I was.  It was that day I started living a lifetime movie and became a shell of my former self.