The Nightmare Begins

January 19th was a day that I will always remember.  Its just a few days from the date my aunt committed suicide and that I lost a good friend to brain cancer.  It also happens to be the date that the Broncos played the Patriots in a playoff game just like they had during the other two occasions.  It was surreal that on this date when I thought Leanne would be found she wasn't.


This started a long day and ultimately long month of my addiction to Facebook and my phone.  We were all wildly reposting the missing persons flyer and I was making and receiving numerous phone calls and text messages.  The game was so far in the background that day it was hard for me to even focus on it at all while I clutched my phone in panic.  My phone became my lifeline in an extremely unhealthy way.


By the end of the day when I had caught up with most of my friends and I think the Broncos won their playoff game I had a decision to make.  I was sitting on information that I had spoken with Leanne and she had told me in so many words she was planning to commit suicide.  It was time for me to call the Garden Ridge Police Department to see if anything she and I had talked about might help.


After leaving a message my call was returned by the detective on the case.  There had been manhunts under way for two days at this point and they were collecting all the details they could get their hands on.  I provided a synopsis of what Leanne and I discussed and the only question they kept coming back to me with was did I provide her money to leave Texas.  They obviously weren't hearing me as I told them she was suicidal and that she had plenty of money to leave on her own, more money than I had that's for sure.  But what was tripping them up is she had been missing for two and a half days and not used any of her credit cards.  She was thought to have $60 in cash but that is not a lot if someone is trying to hideout in a motel.


The police wanted to know how she had gotten a hold of me and I told them the landline to her husband's parents house which is still written on a piece of masking tape stuck to my iPad.  I don't have the heart to remove it.  I knew it was their number as I called it Saturday night in a desperate attempt to find out what was going on since I was not hearing back from her husband or friend on Facebook.


I felt better for having told the police what I knew but my hope was dwindling.  I just didn't understand how she could be missing when I was sure she was dead.  How could they not find her?  These questions started haunting my dreams and I went from my average 9-10 hours of sleep a night to four at the most.  The terror had taken hold and the week ahead of me at work was going to be unbearable. 


I clung to my phone and my friends from Great-West to keep me from drowning.  I made sure when I traveled to Florida for a team meeting my boss was aware of the nightmare I was living in hopes he would take it easy on me which didn't entirely work.  And I found that each day this went on I was slowly sinking into my sadness and anger and beginning to question what really did happen to my friend.



By Friday, fundraisers had been put together to raise money for the search.  Helicopters were being utilized along with an organization specializing in searches and a private detective.  The organized effort on foot was incredible and the outpouring of people seemed amazing from where I watched on Facebook and the news.  She got national attention.


My husband the artist donated a painting to the silent auction on Friday night and although none of us really felt like being out at a bar as if we were betraying our friend, we all went to raise money.  The night was full of comments such as "I just can't believe it," " I was just emailing/texting with her in the last couple of weeks," and "Do you really think she is hiding somewhere?"  It became clear that I was one of the only people to actually receive a phone call and speak to her which was equally comforting and disturbing to me.


I saw our friends rally that weekend and if there was anything positive to have come out of this week it was that we were now closer than ever.  All differences were put aside and friendships started turning into family bonds that are now too strong to ever break.  That week and weekend changed me in a lot of ways and ultimately was where I needed to begin to dig out for my own life.

2014 Started off with a Bang (and not in a good way)

It seems like a few times every year I get a wild hair to start writing my blog again.  This time I truly believe it would be therapeutic for me to do so and I am accepting that challenge.  In the past I have primarily blogged on inane subjects of gardening, cooking and reading.  I had a great wish to impart my wisdom and craziness from my divorce a few years later but got caught up in going out and redefining who I was at 33 years old.  By my second marriage to a wonderful man I was again ready to share my bliss and only the good parts of my life to the small world that reads this blog, but today that has changed.  I think it's time to finally tell the real story of life as I've been living it, the good, the bad and the ugly.  My goal is to keep up with posts and let readers know me not just for the happy moments but also the difficult ones.


This year started off with a tragedy that I am still working really hard to wrap my head around.  One of my best friends from the last decade came back from traveling the world for 22 months and lost her battle with depression.  Her blog is on the right if you want to see all of the wonderful things she and her husband did and saw.  It was an incredible journey but one with a very sad ending.  She was concerned about finding a job, getting insurance medical and vehicle, taxes, and a myriad of other things most of us do on a daily basis without giving thought to it as they just need to be done. 


I spoke with her January 13 as I was the one who brought her with me to our last job and we had spent almost all of our working career together at the same company and I was here to help with anything she needed.  I missed her initial call and the voicemail from her is still on my phone today and I can't lie I probably listen to it close to 10 times per week or more depending on my mood.  It was a troubling voicemail and although I was one of the few that knew about her past battles with depression I was terrified by the call.  I called her back within 20 minutes thinking I might have already been too late or she might not have the nerve or desire to talk to me. 


You see I have a brother who suffered from depression so I know how windows of time can be and that their concept of time or the fact that you just weren't there when they needed you can have a tremendous impact and cause them to shut you out.  Especially for someone like me, for those of you who know me I am an incredibly direct person to a fault making me less than ideal if you really just need someone to tell you everything is ok.  Don't get me wrong I am also one of the most caring people in the world and I will move mountains if I can for those I care about and I am loyal to a fault.


During the phone call I began to realize that Leanne was calling to say goodbye to me.  As much as I tried to help and even got her to laugh it became more and more clear that she had already made up her mind to leave this world and I was special enough to her to get a goodbye.  In the last few minutes of the conversation I asked her in the only way I could if "she was going to peace out on me" and she himmed and hahhhed around the question so I said, "let me rephrase, if you are going to kill yourself would you tell me?"  Her immediate response was, "No."  I knew then that that was the last time I would talk to my dear friend and although I hoped I was wrong, deep down I knew I wasn't.


Four days later she went missing and I found out from a friend on day five by a phone call asking me "is what is on Facebook about Leanne true?"  My response, "I don't know, what's on Facebook?"  I really don't or didn't do a lot with Facebook so I was rarely in the 'know' on new issues.  She told me Leanne was missing and I broke down in tears and said "she's dead." 


That night she visited me in my dreams and we had a wonderful time.  We were working together again and were about to fly from Houston to Atlanta which was somewhat weird being that she went missing in Garden Ridge, TX and is from Georgia.  I woke up feeling a little more at peace, not only had she said goodbye on the phone but she had said goodbye in my dream and I was sure they would find her.  I told my husband she would be found not realizing how wrong I was.  It was that day I started living a lifetime movie and became a shell of my former self.

A Fresh Start!

This year has provided me with a fresh start and outlook on life.  I have met a wonderful man whom I am now engaged to and I'm excited for our future together.  Jake Beauchamp proposed to me while we were on vacation in Washington D.C. at the Nation Gallery in front of my favorite painting Picasso's Nude Woman.  I'm looking forward to our future and sharing it with those of you who are still following my blog.

 

Divorce and My 2011

So a good friend told me I should blog about my divorce and this crazy year of my life post divorce while we were on an airplane back from Washington D.C. going through the SkyMall catalogue deciding all the things I could now afford by getting rid of my husband, so here goes. I've already made public that I filed for divorce on January 24, 2011 and my divorce was final on April 25, 2011. The best part of that for those who don't follow the Royals or dates, this was the week of the Royal wedding. Every fricking news cast that week was on weddings which was AWESOME the week you get divorced.

A couple of words on that, when you file you really find out who your friends are. Some people are supportive, some suck and others just disappear. Some of your married friends seem to think it's contagious so they bolt altogether. You also have random people enter your life. But what no one tells you is the day the papers are final, no one's there. It's not like a wedding where you build up to this awesome party, it's the most anti-climatic thing that has ever happened in my life and considering what a big deal it was it was weird.

And for those of you who haven't been through a divorce there is more paperwork then filing taxes with a husband who has a 1099 job. So while you'd like to kill the other person you actually have to talk to them more then you have probably done in years, which was my case. We were married for almost 9 years and together for almost 11 years and really stopped speaking or doing anything together for at least the last 4 years of our marriage. The other down fall was I wanted kids and he didn't. I thought at 22 I could change his mind, yeah that doesn't really work.

So I'm going to start posting my 2011 adventures. It's been one of the weirdest years of my life and although I feel a little vulnerable doing this on the web I know if any of you asked me individually I'd tell you the whole story so fuck it here goes!! Happy 2011!!

Finale

So, I'm divorced as of today. There is lightning and thunder outside which is my favorite. I enter this with mixed emotion. It's a new beginning but also an end of an era. I don't know how to feel, I want to feel happy but I'm sad 11 years are gone.

2011 BIG Change

So 2011 has brought a divorce into my life. I separated from my husband on January 1st and filed for divorce on January 24th. He has just moved out of the house while I was in DC last week and has a new place in Denver. Divorce in Colorado takes 90 days assuming you don't have to go to court.

We don't have kids and dogs are (unfortunately) still considered a possession in CO. We are trying to do this as amicably as possible but there are still scuffles over dogs, china, orchids, the important stuff. I am keeping the house and have spent this weekend trying to reclaim it for myself.

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I would not recommend it unless it's the last result. We still have to divide the finances which will likely be the hardest part then we have to wait for the courts to approve everything.

While this is the hardest thing I've ever done I am still putting one foot in front of the other, trying to laugh as much as possible and keeping as positive perspective as I can. I will keep you all posted on how things are going!

Happy New Year

Here's to all things new in 2011. Change is inevitable and my life seems to be changing drastically. I hope all of you are looking forward to the new year and all it will bring. I hope to keep you up-to-date better than I have in the past.