The Battle with IVF

I need to take a brief hiatus on my latest topic to talk about something that is bothering me.  At what point is enough enough.  I had to have this conversation with my husband last night in preparation of our IVF treatment that we can not 100% guarantee will work.

Growing up I thought I would always have children, my husband did too.  We never would have thought that at 36 years old we would need science to make this happen.

I also never would have suspected that my little brother would have been married and have a child well before me.  I am truly happy for him and his wife but I would be lying if I said it didn't bug the crap out of me that everything just happened so easy for them.  People take that for granted even when they don't intend to.  They say things like 'I was always told it would be difficult for me to conceive', or 'It took us a while' (after only a few months), or 'I know how you feel'.  All while they are pregnant or holding their new babies.

I say with a smile to all who ask that 'yes' we are trying IVF, when most people don't understand that the meaning is 'we aren't able to do this on our own' and 'we are willing to pay $26,000 for a child'.  And the biggest piece we both hold back is 'NO THERE IS NO GUARANTEE.'  And we have to be ok with that and be able to be strong and keep going.  'Just put it in Gods hands', they say, GUESS WHAT WE HAVE AND SO FAR THAT HASN'T WORKED!

I'm staying optimistic although it doesn't sound like it.  It just breaks my heart to possibly have to put baby names aside and reassure my husband that we will have a great life together even if we never have kids and despite our dreams.

I just wish the other half knew what it was like to be us.  To struggle for something we truly want but may not be fortunate enough to ever have.  To not take for granted the fact that it was easier for them than they thought.  Maybe I sound bitter, it's probably because I am.  I don't get it why some get selected and others don't.  It is the hardest thing to hold your head high and say who cares if I don't get blessed with a child, it wasn't in GOD'S PLAN.

At the end of the day if we can't conceive I love my husband and look forward to our life together but it would be foolish to say this was what we wanted.  We will have to revise our life's dreams to not include children and it will always be difficult for us to want to be around others who do as they are a constant reminder to what we weren't able to do on our own.  Maybe this is petty, but maybe, just maybe this is how a majority of us feel who are in this position.  We just put on a happy face to visit other's kids and newborns while inside we weep for what we cannot have.

I was always told the 'Life's not fair' and that's right, sometimes it gives you a big middle finger and you have to roll with it.