The weekend after the fundraisers was a low point for me and by the end it was apparent I needed to pull myself out of my misery. I found I was consuming too much alcohol and not enough food and still my only hope lie in my phone, texts and Facebook. My phone was dying every 2-4 hours and I was constantly sitting near a charger.
This reeked havoc on my first year of marriage. My husband was seeing a side of me that most will never see or at least not see in the first years of a relationship. I missed appointments and carried a Kleenex box with me everywhere I went. By Sunday I knew things needed to change but it was so difficult. After a heated discussion with my husband in which he was right I was finally able to clean the house and turn off my phone for several hours. I canceled all plans with friends and tried to refocus. I wish I could say I did but I made baby steps.
Sleep patterns remained the same as did eating or lack their of. I was able to focus a little more at work and detach for more hours at a time from my phone although I still checked and reposted frequently. The fundraisers had raised over $16,000 and the search continued but there was nothing more I could do from Colorado. I was angry with the media coverage as it was sloppy and poor. My hands were tied, I couldn't correct stories or do anything as it was not my place and it was frustrating.
I spent time talking to my counselors and trying to make sense of this. There were sightings in Houston, Georgia and Austin. I spoke with friends who have government connections to the CIA and friends in Austin law enforcement. All the while I still felt deep down she was already gone.
My husband and I kicked around other ideas as well. Was she abducted by someone? She was so distraught it would have been easy for her not to be paying attention. Was she now part of a sex ring in Mexico, she was pretty enough and small enough. Those were unbearable thoughts and I just kept coming back to the fact that she made it through 58 countries a lot of which were third world and survived that. And she probably honed her skills for paying attention to her surroundings NO MATTER WHAT! I just didn't buy these possible scenarios.
By this point weeks were starting to go by and I lost track of everything. My work suffered, my association board positions suffered and even some of my friendships suffered as I continued to cling to those friends that were closest to myself and her or those I knew could talk me out of my deepest anger and sorrow. I didn't spend as much time with my husband and family as I should have and when I was around my brain was always somewhere else.
I even stopped watching my favorite TV shows like Criminal Minds (too real and possible and too close to home), Vampire anything (too violent), and Parenthood (too sad, I really was surprised each day that I had more tears to cry but miraculously I always did). I didn't listen to music which is one of my favorite things to do. Songs were too hard to hear. Everything reminded me of her. Probably the hardest was that she decorated my house after my divorce and most of it is still in place, my husband innocently suggested we make some changes and I think I lost my mind. There was NO WAY I could move anything or take anything down. I was a crazy person hanging on by a thread of sanity.
In acts of solidarity we all changed our Facebook profile pictures to pictures with her and our cover pics for her. Eventually we all ended up with the picture of her making the heart with her hand and I still can't change it to this day.
This act continued to link us friends and family alike to her. I was forever hopeful but reaching a point where I just wanted answers. I was sick and tired of the not knowing. My diet was suffering and I lost an additional seven pounds in these weeks. And then as I was starting to do more for myself and figuring we might never know, the other shoe dropped like a bomb in Iraq. I thought by this time I was ready for anything but clearly I was not.
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